I Will Not Be Silent

for now

2010-06-26T18:21:00.001-05:00

you can read updates on our family at http://thisgirl-amanda.blogspot.com/

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength"

2010-03-02T13:42:00.003-06:00

Isaiah 30:15

In the quiet times, and in the loud times, I find peace in these verses. I've written them on note cards, and placed them around where I can see them. When I feel overwhelmed by the heaviness of my grief I return to them, and I feel God close to me.

Isaiah 12:1-3
Songs of Praise
In that day you will say: "I will praise you, O LORD. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.

Psalm 6:3-4
My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalm 4:1
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 5:11-12
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

now

2010-02-24T19:51:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow, February 25, 2010, is my due date. Was my due date... Rowan - you came much too soon. You went rushing into Heaven, but who could blame you?

I would give anything (read: any THING) to be holding you now, birthing you now, painfully awaiting your arrival... Anything. But, my small, angelic love, it was not to be... I tell myself you were too much for this world, and Jesus needed you for some amazing work in Heaven. I miss you. I miss you so much. It boggles my mind to miss you so much, someone I never really knew....but I knew you - didn't I... I miss you. My arms long to hold you.

I keep opening up this bottle of baby detergent from Matt's mom...it smells like babies. It smells so good. I washed all your little clothes in it...so they smell good too. I have a piece of the blanket, the other half, of the one you were buried in...it sometimes makes me feel better when I can hold it. I didn't want to let you go. If you were here now I'd hold you all you wanted, and I might never put you down. I love you so my sweet babe. And your daddy, he really misses you too.

Ten Things I have learned since our baby died (there are so many, but I simply had to narrow it down):

(1) I have learned that my husband loves me. He is my supporter and my friend. He is forgiving, kind-hearted and gentle. He is my protector, my hero and the love of my life.

(2) I am the saddest of all types of mothers. My arms are empty, Rowan's crib is empty, and my womb is perhaps the emptiest place of all.

(3) Sometimes people want to be nice to you, but they get in the way of themselves.

(4) Words don't always improve a situation, and sometimes being quiet is the best gift that you can give.

(5) My family is amazing.

(6) God always gives far more than we deserve.

(7) Jesus saved my soul from being eternally separated from Him, and promised me a place with Him in Heaven. He has also promised to forgive me when I forget the things He has done for me, so long as I repent and turn my heart back to Him. Sometimes that means everyday...

(8) The loss of a child is deeply sad, and terrible. Our lives have been forever changed, and who we are becoming will be greatly molded by the short life of our baby.

(9) Rowan's life mattered. It mattered to me, to Matt, and most of all it mattered to Jesus.

(10) There will be a time of jubilation, and great joy, when we meet our baby in Heaven. And we will, meet Rowan in Heaven.

I didn't plan it

2010-02-17T20:46:00.003-06:00

I wasn't going to write today. But I just couldn't stand the thought of not commenting on the 6th month anniversary of the death of my perfect little love. 6 months. That feels so long.

My due date was February 25, 2010. Oh how we counted down the days, and we couldn't wait to snuggle our sweet one in our arms.

There was no physical pain when Rowan came rushing into this world. No cramping, no back ache, no bleeding, nothing... But the emotional hurt - well, I could write a novel about the emotional pain. 6 months ago I caught my little one in my hands as he left this place forever... I'm a mom of a different sort I guess.

I could cry a million tears. We went out to the cemetery today...as we stood there I couldn't help but think of how I'd MUCH rather be staring through that plexi-glass window and pointing out which sweet babe belonged to me...but instead I was standing in the cold and dusting off my angel's head stone. It sucks. Big time.

I am not sure I can sustain another season of celebrating everyone's joyous news, and new babies. Already so many have announced another pregnancy... I look on with jealousy and heartache. On my own I am not strong, not even a little bit. This month has been particularly difficult for me.

I think that I thought I was healing and moving through the phases of my grief...and I find that I may not have come as far as I'd imagined. It is hard to keep re-examining things. I know it is hard for my dear husband to see me so sad. I know that I don't have to be strong for him though, and that is a comfort like none other.

Anyway... This post hasn't made much sense. I continue to pray for God to use this terrible event to touch the lives of others, and to grow me in unconventional ways. Sometimes I feel like a person that I don't know, and other times I feel exactly the same as I always was...I suppose I will be forever changing though.

Revelation 7:17(b) "...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

i do not like this

2010-01-24T08:12:00.003-06:00

It's been 5 months. 5. That is a long time. And in a few weeks it will have been 6 months. I haven't written in some time. It's been tough recently because all the girls who got pregnant around the same time as me are now having their babies, and I am so happy for them...but extremely saddened at the same time.

My due date was in February, and I could have been having the baby any day now. My tummy would have been so big and round.

So, Mattie and I are going away for a while. We are leaving in about an hour and we will be gone for an entire week. I cannot wait to be away and just be with him. We need this down time to relax and get back into a peaceful place with each other.

Blessings.

4

2009-12-17T16:16:00.003-06:00

Thinking of my sweet angel today.

It's been 4 months since you left us. We think of you everyday, and we talk about you all the time. You would have been so big in momma's belly by now. Oh, how you are missed my sweet babe!

Contrary to what nearly everyone has told me, I do not feel better as time goes by. In fact, I feel sadder because at this point my angel has been gone longer than I had him here.

Please continue to pray for us.

2009-12-14T19:02:00.003-06:00

I miss being pregnant. I just read someone's post on another site, and she stated "I'm so tired of being pregnant." And, I thought to myself, how can this be? How can there be someone who could be tired of being pregnant. I realize she didn't mean tired of carrying life in her womb, but really just tired of being puffy and probably having a sore back... But even still, it made me sad momentarily.

This Thursday will be 4 months since Rowan left us. We are dealing with the sadness of our baby's passing in such different ways... I often wonder if there is any of the 'oldness' of us left over. Not in a bad way. Like, I don't mean our marriage is 'on the rocks' or anything. I just look at Mattie and I don't see the same person, and I know I'm not the same person. I cannot help but wonder, and hope, that this time next year we have a small one cooing and laughing with us around our Christmas tree. So much can happen in such a short time.

We celebrate with friends this week the announcement of a positive!! We are jealous, and we covet that feeling of newness. But, we have hope that our time will come soon. Long have these friends waited, and we are truly happy for them. :0)

Merry Christmas.

29 on the 27th

2009-11-28T07:52:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday to me.

So great is His unfailing love

2009-11-22T17:02:00.006-06:00

Lamentations 3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

Oh my heart hurts today. I cannot explain, or understand the waves of my grief. I can only sway back and forth with the pain and then also with the hope I often feel.

At times I am overwhelmed with emotions that I don't even have words to describe. I can only guess that I am feeling a new level of growth...but it doesn't feel like I'm growing, especially when there are days like today. I think some of it has to do with my birthday being this week. Turning 29 this coming Friday has had me thinking about what I've really been doing with myself. All of my life...not just now, but like...the greater meaning of it all.

I miss my baby. I got a letter in the mail from our insurance company. It was a letter congratulating me on being over half-way through my pregnancy. I ripped it up and wanted to barf all over it. But, instead I just threw it away -- I didn't even recycle it. I would have been able to feel him kicking and so would you, if you saw me and wanted to touch my belly--I would have let you feel him kicking. I wouldn't be avoiding the girl at work who keeps showing off pictures of her new grandbaby--and I'd be showing off Rowan's pictures too. I would have done a lot of things. But, I also wouldn't have done some other things.

I miss my baby. I miss the feeling of being full of life, and of knowing that only I could be called his momma. I miss the way my husband used to look at my belly and talk to our baby - when he was so small and had no way to hear him yet. I miss the way people didn't avoid talking to me so that they don't have to hear about my dead baby. I miss my baby. I miss my baby. I miss our baby.

Bleeeeeehhhhhhhh...

So here's my birthday toast to myself!! Here's to another year. A good year. A year of heartache, a year of sweet loving from my sweet husband, a year of learning and laughing, a year of becoming a momma and losing a child. And, here's to my 29th year, may God hold me closer than ever before.

Blue Jeans for Babies!!

2009-11-20T11:00:00.002-06:00

2009-11-17T10:35:00.003-06:00

I saw this today on another grieving momma's blog. I really like the way it captures how I'm feeling.

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine,
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger
My faith seems faint indeed
But there are other swimmers
Who know just what I need

And loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past
By swimming in Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last

~Cynthia G. Kelley~

Today marks 3 long months that Rowan has been gone. My heart breaks knowing in a few weeks he will be gone longer than he was here. I hate knowing that, and I super-hate that I'll go on being here without him.

My heart is an open sore, aching and unhealed. How long? How long Lord? May you receive Your glory through this hard time, and may You be found by many. My hope rests still in You Lord and I pray that You will give me a glimpse of Your purposes for Matt and me, and even our beloved Rowan.

Job 1:21(b) "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away: may the name of the LORD be praised."

you know what I mean

2009-11-07T15:00:00.003-06:00

"How are you Amanda" she said, and then, looking deep into my eyes, "you do know what I'm talking about don't you?"

I wanted to slap her. Of course I know. I think every second of every day about my baby. I bolt awake in the night, nearly every night, thinking of his tiny body in my hands. Yes, I know what you are talking about. I know what you mean. Stop looking at me like that...

On an unrelated note:

I have been reading "The Shack" for the past few days, and it is taking a while because (1) it's sad, (2) it makes me think about how I see God & my relationship with Him and (3) it's really deep and it's forcing me to think about stuff I may not have been ready to deal with...since my 'great sadness' has begun.

On page 104 God speaks to the main character, Mack, and says this, "As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?" I'm pretty sure this is the same thing God has been saying to me over and over since Rowan died. The idea I'm picking up on as I read this book is that it's never about God forcing us, humans, to do anything...but always about the choices we make with what is put in front of us.

these words

2009-11-05T09:25:00.009-06:00

I don't particularly care for this song, or at least the voice of the guy who sings it...but the words captivate me. For the last 3 days when I've gotten into the car to leave work, this song has been on the radio. K-Love 95.7! I think it must be something I need to hear from God.

In particular, this verse,
"God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand"

I do believe that God has been and continues to be so faithful to me and Matt. I know with all of my being that He has a plan and a future for us... One that we could not have imagined 2-3 years ago. Heck, one I cannot imagine or understand even now. But, my God is so good...and He has been so good to me. He continues daily to reveal Himself to me in simple, small ways...that are unmistakable. My prayer continues to be for the peace of God to swallow me up, so that when I am pulled down by life, by death, by the enemy....I know exactly where I am and who I am...and most of all...Who is FOR ME. Jesus. It all comes back to knowing He is all I need...and letting that be enough.

Mikes Chair, "Let the Waters Rise."
Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

this way

2009-11-03T16:29:00.006-06:00

I think I am depressed.
I have zero motivation.
I am as BIG as a house.
Sleep is all I seem to do well...
and that is only with the help of my friend, Ambien.

I work. I come home. I laugh. I eat.
I sleep. I tell Mattie, 'I love you.' (repeat)

I'm not suicidal or anything -- I am just really ambivalent.
Just stuck...in this mood...this gray, fog-like feeling.
Easily upset. Crying even.

I'm reading, I'm writing, I'm praying... What...

Life is full of ups and downs, right?
My hope is in Him, right?
My husband loves me no matter what, right?
It's not my fault, right?

So, why do I feel so burdened by the death of our baby?
Why do I feel so singularly responsible?
Why does it continue to ache so badly?
Why do other people's babies make me cringe?
Why...

"Why me" is what my heart screams. My head quickly tries to answer.
But seriously... why me?!

**Also, people who are pregnant should stop complaining about things that would make my heart leap to be troubled by... I mean really, maternity clothes are adorable and so are big bellies swollen with the promise of new life... Be thankful... ugh.

From "The Shack" - seriously...have you read this book...Ah-mah-zing!!

This is EXACTLY what I feel...EXACTLY!!

"The Great Sadness had draped itself around Mack's shoulders like some invisible but almost tangibly heavy quilt. The weight of its presence dulled his eyes and stooped his shoulders. Even his efforts to shake it off were exhausting, as if his arms were sewn into its bleak folds of despair and he had somehow become part of it. He ate, worked, loved, dreamed and played in this garment of heaviness, weighed down as if he were wearing a leaden bathrobe -- trudging daily through the murky despondence that sucked the color out of everything. At times he could feel The Great Sadness slowly tightening around his chest and heart like the crushing coils of a constrictor, squeezing liquid from his eyes until he thought there no longer remained a reservoir."

in honor of Rowan

2009-11-03T10:42:00.005-06:00

daddy & momma miss you so dear one...

pictures from the last time I held my baby

2009-10-20T19:07:00.007-05:00

Here are some pictures from Rowan's funeral. We are blessed beyond words with family, friends and fellow believers. Praise God for all of those who have stood beside us as we journey through this trying time.

Jeff did a wonderful job of sharing The Word,
and honoring our tiny angel.

pictures of Rowan, and the elephant from Josh (you're the best). Rowan was buried on top of Matt's great grandmother's casket. It was so incredible of the funeral home to allow us to use the same plot. All we paid for was the headstone for Rowan. It should be here in about 2 weeks, the stone in this picture is for Matt's great-grandmother (who was one of the 1st to be buried at Roselawn in 1972).

our Rowan was loved by so many...

remembering

2009-10-17T15:18:00.006-05:00

October 17, 2009. 2 months ago my little sweetness left this place for his Heavenly home. Rest tight with Jesus my angel. O' how I miss you. My heart is sore from missing our baby...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

There is a room I dare not go...

2009-10-14T09:47:00.003-05:00

it is full of silly lions, and zebras ...
all the things that I prepared for you
there’s a crib that lies empty
and a swing standing silently
diapers, creams, lotions and powder
blankets, shoes, tiny hangers and clothes

the pain is immense when I pass through this room
my heart is torn open again and again

so I rush past the door so that I don’t think about it
rush out the front door so I don’t think about it
rush to bed so I don’t think about it
rush...because the pain is too big

Everyday is a production, a play, and I’m just an actress
doing her best to smile and stand up straight

Oh God... Help me because I cannot help myself.

From a Jordin Sparks song :
made me think of how I’ve been feeling this week -

If I should die before I wake
it's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

sweetly spoken

2009-10-09T10:48:00.001-05:00

new dave crowder - finally obtained my copy!!

love love love this song!! "Shadows"

Life is full of light and shadow, O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring, Dark to light
And yet will He bring, Day from night

When shadows fall on us, We will not fear, We will remember

When darkness falls on us, We will not fear, We will remember

When all seems lost, When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost, We rest in Him, in the Shadow of the cross

the pain is an ocean

2009-10-07T13:19:00.003-05:00

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
All my back bruised and nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy, Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens, I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening, because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that is yours

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy

While we wait for rescue with our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands to cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy

yeah...

never in vain

2009-10-06T14:23:00.004-05:00

I cry out to the Lord to let the brief time we had with Rowan mean something to someone other than me... I beg Him... I want to know I'm not the only one who will forever remember Rowan, not the only one who will be blessed by his time here...

I received an e-mail from a friend last week... I am in awe of Jesus again and again. He will use everything for His glory...EVERYTHING. Though my heart aches for a child I'll never hold, never snuggle, never know this side of Heaven...Rowan is touching lives and has made me the proudest momma I know!

Here is part of the e-mail I received:

My story is brief and I hope it doesn't upset you in any way. God truly works in mysterious ways. The day after I received your first Rowans Hope bog with the photo of Rowan, one of my coworkers was talking about her step daughter just finding out she was expecting and how she was encouraging her to terminate the pregnancy because she wasn't married and still in college. She was around 12 weeks pregnant and she was saying that it's not really a baby until she's further along. I asked her into my office and showed her the photo of Rowan and asked her which part of that child was not a baby. She was so profoundly moved she left work and called her step daughter. She is now about 18 weeks pregnant and her outlook on this pregnancy has completely changed. Because of Rowan, there is another little baby that gets the chance at life.

Again, i hope this doesn't upset you as it's a very happy outcome. I just wanted you to know that your angel is already working from heaven.!!

Please visit the website my amazing husband has created. We are working with our local March of Dimes chapter to make something wonderful, and this website is only the beginning.

May God bless each of you who reads our posts, and passes on our website. May God show His loving mercy in your lives, and the lives of those that you tell of the story of little Rowan. Please continue to pray for our family as we need your prayers daily.

Each day is so hard, but I keep telling myself to get up...Jesus will catch you today just as He has caught you every other day...get up. I don't feel stronger, but I know that God is strong enough for me and Him... I also know that I have to choose each day to live a life that honors Rowan.

for my baby, Rowan

2009-09-29T18:33:00.002-05:00

i walk because we have to keep moving forward...

2009-09-27T08:46:00.001-05:00

Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Matthew 18:14
So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

breakdown

2009-09-21T19:02:00.005-05:00

I really miss Rowan today. Mondays are really difficult for me, as they mark one more week that he is gone... Today is week 5. When I say it, or write it, that time frame seems so small. But when I feel it...it is a HUGE span of days, hours, minutes...

I realized today as I drove home from work (and began sobbing uncontrollably) that it isn't the days I'm struggling to get through...it is the moments. I don't know if that is a step forward or backward, or maybe just sideways... I don't know why I feel like I need to be moving forward..or anywhere for that matter...

Another friend announced the 'good news' of her pregnancy this week. yay for babies for everyone else but me... I keep deleting people on FB when they start writing about their babies that are coming, or posting ultrasound pictures. I'm awful, I must admit. I wonder how many women looked at my ultrasound pictures and wept for their lost little babes? I hope it was none.

I've been reading tons of books, and surprisingly, not many of them make me feel better. It's weird how even people who have lived through this type of heartache still can't seem to reach each other...

I am puzzled that in our world of so many scientific phenomenons, we can't change this 'spontaneous abortion' epidemic... Did you know that less than $10 million dollars each year is spent on research for women who have experienced the loss of a child. Or were you aware that most, if not all, insurance companies and doctors/hospitals require a woman to suffer 2-3 'late losses' before they will approve of testing for things that if treated could save her the heartache?! Late loss is just another way to say 20+ weeks. Are they saying that before 20 weeks there is no reason to test, because there is not really a 'human' baby growing in the womb or because it is just a 'clump of cells'??

Take a look at my precious baby, and tell me he isn't big enough, or perfect enough to be ENOUGH for a test to tell me why... We lost Rowan during the time when the majority of women who have elective abortions do so. 12-14 weeks.

This is a lot of jumbled information, but I'm flustered now. I will come back to this... Please join me in praying for doctors who perform abortions, people who support abortions, those who have to live with the guilt/shame of having an abortion. Please also pray for me.

one

2009-09-17T09:01:00.005-05:00

momma and daddy miss you. we love you.
you have been gone for one month. one very long month.
you have blessed our lives in ways we could not have imagined.
Praise be to God for giving us the gift of your tiny, brief, life.

taking care

2009-09-03T13:15:00.002-05:00

Gravestone : noun A stone placed over a grave as a marker; a tombstone.

Marker : something used as a mark or indication, as a bookmark or tombstone.

------------------------------------

We ordered the grave marker for Rowan today. Pictures will be posted later, my friend Donna has agreed to take some for me. I don't know how long it will take to get here, but I'm anxious to have Rowan's place marked. The thought of that little body in that big cemetery with no marker brings tears to my eyes.

I thought that ordering the marker would bring some closure, or make me feel a little better. Turns out, I actually feel sad. It's like one more note of finality...

This place is really hard.

double the fun

2009-09-03T09:46:00.003-05:00

if reading about our Rowan isn't enough... you can visit us here

Some is the same, because I want to write Rowan's name everywhere so that no one will ever forget...but I needed a special place for my sweet love. So, I created this second blog, and I've decided to keep my original too.

don't ask me how I am doing....

2009-08-31T13:57:00.001-05:00

This is just a warning for any of my real friends reading this. And, by all means ask, but only if you feel strong enough for the truth.

And the truth is, I’m awful. I don't know if I could be feeling anything other than awful. It has been two weeks...just today... And, I have the rest of my life to process the loss of our sweet Rowan.

Of course, I don't sit around all day thinking about slitting my wrists or in a pool of my own tears...although sometimes I do, the tears part that is... Mostly at night, in those moments after I've prayed, and kissed Mattie good night... I can hear him breathing deeply beside me...and I know how much we are both aching...and I lose it over and over again...

But, a lot of the time, if you were to spy on our little home, you’d see a madly in love couple, learning to go about their daily lives. We cook, we eat, we play with Falcor, we listen to music that speaks words we cannot seem to find...and we just love each other...

But, there is just no way I can put on a happy face, or keep up appearances for everyone. And, I've decided that if you are brave enough to ask me how I am, I’m going to tell the truth. The problem with this, is that when I tell a lot of people how I am, they run ...and they run fast. It feels as if people are just waiting for me to feel “better” or "okay" so they don’t feel so uncomfortable speaking to me. Well, I'm not comfortable...in fact this is the complete opposite of comfortable for me...but I don't have the strength, nor do I feel it's my job, to make sure everyone around me/us is comfortable.

Speaking to me, being around me, is not hard. What I am living right now, that is hard...giving birth to my baby, when he was already gone from this world...that was hard... Yeah, and I have to live with this the rest of my life. You want to know how I am...I haven't slept in days... Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my sweet Rowan, in my hands, warm...lifeless...perfect...in my hands....

I don't mean this to sound any way other than what I've stated. If I make you uncomfortable, please avoid me for now... But, for those of you who love me...who know me... I will not pretend that life is back to normal, or even okay. I am so far from that marker...and I have no idea when I'll get there...

God has been so good to us. Giving us family and friends who love us, and who love our sweet angel baby. We pray for His continued guidance and mercy in these days, weeks, years... He is all that is keeping us going...He alone will bring us peace. Please continue to pray with us, and for us... We do need you all...and we love you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh... My heart was burdened...and in this place I can say whatever I want...

a prayer

2009-08-24T17:45:00.001-05:00

2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen in eternal."

introductions

2009-08-21T19:30:00.001-05:00

Rowan McCleskey.
born into Heaven 08-17-09.
12.5 weeks old.
"a moment in our arms, forever in our hearts."

mommy and daddy cannot wait to hold you. we miss you in every way possible, and we will be with you soon. we love you so...

Glory baby

2009-08-19T12:21:00.001-05:00

there will never be any words good enough for my sweet Rowan.
but these from the Watermark song 'Glory Baby' have deeply touched our souls.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

that's "plum" cute

2009-08-13T14:07:00.000-05:00

So, week 12 is finally here! We are so excited about our appointment next week. We will see quite an amazing looking baby (plus I can finally have a belly u/s rather than...well, it's just better)!

This week peanut is about the size of a plum. I bought some plums to mark this occasion for a few reasons. (1) I love love love them...nothing is sweeter to me! (2) I haven't gone to the bathroom (if you know what I mean) in 3 days! ugh!! (3) I wanted these pictures!!

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long and weighs 1/2 an ounce!

11 weeks - lime sized baby!!

2009-08-07T10:18:00.000-05:00

Week 10

2009-08-01T12:39:00.000-05:00

So we have been keeping track of how big the peanut is getting on the bump. And, this week peanut is as big as a prune! Yuck!!

Interesting tidbit: "With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)" We are really excited about what the baby will look like on the 20th. The books say we should see a real baby-looking baby this time!

Sidebar, thanks to everyone for your continued prayers. We are so appreciative. God is truly working a miracle in me..and the thought of that constantly overwhelms me!

I haven't been feeling ill, however, in the last 2 days I've been super-nauseous. It's totally worth it though... Every upset tummy, all the gas, the headaches, the sleepies, etc.... To have this little one....it is worth it. You are only pregnant with your first baby one time...and I plan to soak up and enjoy it all!! I am so in love with this wee one!

Anyhow, stay tuned for pics sometime around the 20th!!

pure. sweet. love.

2009-07-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

We saw our peanut today. What a big baby we have!! Already one inch in length!! We go for another appointment on August 20th and by then I'll be 13 weeks. Then, the appointment after that we should be able to find out the sex! Woohoo!!! We are so blessed, and so super-excited!!

Your love is surprising I can feel it rising...All the joy that’s growing Deep inside of me....

2009-06-29T18:28:00.000-05:00

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
hallelujah, Your love makes me sing




Last wednesday I took a pregnancy test and 
this was my result!!!!!!!!

So I took another one on Thursday morning..


I had an appointment with my doctor
today to confirm it all.  I am about 5 weeks pregnant
and the baby will be here sometime in February.
Matt and I are beyond excited! 
We are in complete awe of our God!!
Please keep us covered in prayer as
we await our next appointment
(we may actually get to see the baby)!!!

Praise  God...no matter what....

He'll wipe away the tears

2009-03-05T10:41:00.000-06:00

Well, I took the fertility pills last month... Then on Monday I got my period. Alas, no baby this month either... *sigh* I am feeling a bit down, well, 'a bit' doesn't really encompass my heart right now. I'm actually not sure how I feel. I truly believe God has called me to be a momma...and I know my heart cry is to birth babies and raise them up to love Jesus... I don't understand why it's so hard for some, and then so easy for others (some of whom don't even want little sweethearts to adore -- but that's a tangent I will not jump on for now)... I am just hurting now... so forgive me for not having anything insightful to say... I certainly don't feel strong enough for this challenge from the Lord...

and that statement "God will never give you more than you can handle." What a crock...He loads it on so we are FORCED to lean ... lean into Him. I get it...I never wanted to do it on my own... just take it away... please Father... I am so weak and so tired... and so broken...

-----------

I know my Father is loving and I know He desires good for me... I just wish with all of my being it didn't hurt so terribly much to learn the things He teaches...

hope

2009-02-21T17:12:00.000-06:00

I was listening to an XM channel the other day, well, most likely a month or more ago... Not the point. I heard a song that really struck my heart. Natalie Grant sings it (I think)...anyhow, in the song she says:

"sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
sometimes the sky rains night after night
when will it clear
but our hope endures
in the worst of conditions, it's more than our optimism
let the earth quake, our hope is unchanged"

....this is what I'm working on at the moment.... being unwavering, unchanging in the face of adversity, knowing where my hope lies and how to lean into Jesus more.... I want my default reaction to adversity, challenge, hard-times -- to be that of unwavering hope. Yes, it will be hard, and I may fall, or I may cry...but my heart is at rest in Jesus....

show me how Lord -- to lean into You when it hurts the most...

my husband, making babies and salvation

2008-11-17T15:34:00.000-06:00

Only a small portion of the things I take for granted. How did I become so smug, so self-assured that I was deserving of an amazing husband, sweet babies or a Holy Savior?

God has been so good to me…only 'good' isn't descriptive enough – there isn't anything I can say about the way He loves me. It is indescribable…yet I am constantly trying to put limits on it…and trap Him in a box. I want Him to be someone I can understand, or wrap my mind around….and yet He is always going to be so much more.

I so easily forget the good things He has done for me … just as soon as He isn't giving me something else… I wouldn't have described myself as a selfish person, yet I am. When I pray or cry out to my Father I have a long list of 'what I need.' I rarely stop to just be with Him. That is all He has ever asked of me…to just be with Him. He never demands for me to do anything, or be anything….except to just 'be.' Seems easy enough, 'eh?

I have been blessed by God with the most loving, gentle, gracious husband. I thank God daily for this gift…this man who loves me in spite of myself. I love you always Mattie. I'm sorry for ever taking one second with you for granted, and I choose today to begin recognizing each moment as a treasure to be kept safe…. You are amazing, and brilliant, and a million other wonderful things!!
I love you.

Babies… Long have I waited and long have I wanted… Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart – I have been given this promise by the Lord. Yet I demand that He give me what I desire exactly when I desire it…and yet again and again He withholds… because He knows the appropriate time and place for such things. And, He always knows how to amaze.

I was recently told by a doctor that I have PCOS…and in the same sentence 'although it doesn't mean you can't have children it does mean it will be extremely difficult.' Then she smiled and I cried and she wrote a prescription and just like that I was on my way out into the world – back to work, back to life...just like that…

I was a virgin for 26 years…and then I got married…and I guess I thought I was 'owed' the gift of making babies because I'd been so good, so decent. I've only every kissed 2 fellas in my life, and one of them is my husband…. Again, I thought God, how can this be right – I've been so good… I've really strived to be pure…to keep myself for one special man – your man – my husband, the father of all of my unborn sweet angels… But this isn't the way it works…and though I know that my God is loving and kind, along with many things, trying to get your heart to be okay with the things your head knows are certain – can sometimes be overwhelming….

There is more to say, but I am exhausted. I needed to write this all out. I think I feel a little better.

Mostly, I need your prayers….if you are reading then please pray now…. Pray for peace…

taking things for granted - who, me??

2008-11-13T18:00:00.000-06:00

from Elisabeth Elliot's – Keep a Quiet Heart

On page 135, in the chapter called Waiting she quotes several Bible verses and then writes the following:

"Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands."

These words comfort me, and along with Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry," make me glad that I have a God who is big enough to have my life worked out...and yet humble enough to lift me up into His big arms and love on me personally.

We had some news re: our 'no baby' status from the doctor, but I'm not emotionally ready to post it for the world to see. I will be glad to receive your prayers on the matter...but I need some time to process information and to learn more about what may be in store...

certainty

2008-10-05T16:49:00.000-05:00

Psalms 37:25 "I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." (NKJV)

Matt and I attended a church in Flomaton, AL, this morning. He had a concert there, and I tagged along. I'm so glad that I did....isn't it encouraging to see the way God gets a message straight to our hearts (even if we aren't in our 'home' church).

Anyhow, the psalmist (and I think it was David) is thinking back on being young, and knowing he is more advanced in age...he is saying that through ALL the stuff he's lived through NEVER ONCE has he seen a 'righteous' person 'let down' by God. So, I've been really disappointed in God before, only to realize I'm disappointed in the circumstance I'm in the midst of rather than God, or I'm disappointened in the people I was counting on...rather than God. So, I'm not 'that' old, but I am almost 28 (which is, let's face it) almost 30!! Anyhow, I cannot think of one time in my 12 years as a Christian that I have been 'let down' or 'forsaken' by God.

So, as of late I have really been struggling with the fact that Matt & I don't have babies, and that for some reason I don't seem to be getting pregnant....and it's not for lack of practice :-)... I have been so wrapped up in thinking God doesn't think we are ready, and God doesn't want us to have kids, and I'm doing this wrong, or Matt's doing that wrong...and really taking on a victim mentality (ugh, totally not like me). And then today happened...and this verse was shown to me in a new light.

...I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread...

I know in my soul that Christ has called me to raise up a handful of kingdom heirs...and I know in my soul that they will be born of my womb....and I know in my soul that my God does not disappoint...and I know in my soul that all the good in my life has been well worth the wait...and I know in my soul that I am sad to be so late in getting started having babies, and I am sad that I want something so badly that I've made myself crazy, and my husband a little crazier... But, I know in my soul that I will not be forsaken. I know He loves me, and dotes on me, and longs to give me the desires of my heart...but I also know in my soul that He sees so much more of a situation than I ever will.

I also take courage and hope in the last portion of this verse, 'nor his seed begging bread.' For I know that as much as I love and pray and hope for my unborn babies the Lord has an even bigger heart for them. He adores them and has them taken care of already! What a brilliant thought, and such an amazing place to lay your trust!

So, I will wait....unpatiently at first, and over time I will learn to settle down. My heart is weary, and it's time to try something else... I think I'll start believing, with a renewed heart, in the God who brought me salvation, freedom, redemption, eternity, love and strength.